This is the Ode to Hell

I've never been particularly lucky in love. Due to a severe lack of confidence, I can only approach women after Skinful of lager when the beer goggles on. Even Kermit would have turned his nose at some of the pigs, I tried my luck.

I set the bar a little higher when I emailed Helen Chamberlain to ask for a date, but she blew me off.

I was briefly in love with a diminutive woman named Dot. But, like the unfortunate Martin Jol, I was dumped via a text message. I'm all about it now, I've buried in the patio. After digging I discovered a large 13 / 8 for a Tottenham victory Middlesbrough.

Rent-a-quote WAG Cheryl Cole has said her "husband" does not enjoy his last days at Arsenal because he thought his teammates were all foreigners "on him." I find it amazing that a talented footballer with a loving wife could one day destroy so paranoid and Ashley Cole is definitely a talented footballer. The 4 / 9 for a Chelsea win Wigan is convenient.

Steve Bruce is certainly feeling the pressure. Potato head manger could not bear to see that Birmingham played Wigan last week, but this is not necessarily a rare phenomenon among the regulars of St Andrews. Everton can be backed at 8 / 11 against Birmingham, which is exceptionally exciting.

It is no coincidence that the production of champagne football Arsenal after the abandonment of the bitter Lehmann. I believe that strengthening Huddle team morale is a major factor in the improved form of the Gunners', or it may just be an opportunity to talk about Ashley Cole. Everybody talks about the 6 / 4 for Arsenal beat Manchester United.

Sam Allardyce goes head to head with Harry Redknapp to St James' Park in a match that the gutter press are labeling "Panorama II. I study the history of this game and I discovered that Pompey won the last Newcastle in 1949. The Show continue their practices on the property 11/10.

A member of the royal family would be involved in a sex scandal. I hope this is not Charlie, because I have absolutely no interest in hippophilia. A set of Royals who will not read down, it will leave Fulham with a point at 9 / 4.

Aston Villa appear to be certainties to 1 / 2 in anger against a Derby County. Villa looked dangerous on their own patch this season while the Rams almost three goals per game on the road to give. The money that I can be Freddie Flintoff's Derby.

Phil Gartside must have had a few jars when he appointed Gary Megson. I'm for affirmative action, but this sequence of movement of despair. Luckily for Bolton, West Ham have been decimated by injuries. Bolton can infiltrate a draw at 5 / 2.

Like most people who want a quick couple of beers I often struggle to undress when I find it difficult to bear. I have now patented a machine that automatically extract your shirt for you, it is tentative "The Carragher. I'm on 11 / 5 for a Blackburn win a depleted Liverpool.

Manchester City may have started the season impressively, but Sven is at the receiving end of a real spanking at Chelsea last week. To make things worse, his team lost 6-0 at Stamford Bridge. I think the result was a blip; city will explode into life on the night of bonfire against the Sunderland 13 8.

Being a persistent soul, I decided to ask Helen Chamberlain to accompany me to a small fireworks. I already bought a Catherine wheel and a rocket, I just want a bang now. Aston Villa, Everton, Tottenham, Manchester City and Chelsea into a 13 / 1 weekend accer that will more than cover the costs.